Friday, April 10, 2015

God Has a Purpose for your Pain, A Reason for your Struggles and a Reward for your Faithfulness. Never Doubt Him.

I don't think that it's a coincidence that I haven't seen this picture in years, but over the past couple of days, it's popped up a few times and stopped me in my tracks.  At first it made me sad and reminded me of the most painful, dark time of my life.  I was 20 weeks pregnant, scared and excited all at the same time, my now husband, Peter and I had only been together for a few months when we got pregnant... I felt like I had let myself, my parents, my friends and my family down.  I was no longer able to cheer at Virginia Tech, I was hiding it from most of my family and friends, I wasn't sure if I was ready to move away from my family to start my own at just 20 years old. I was ashamed for the longest time to even tell anyone that I was pregnant, so only my immediate family and closest friends even knew I was expecting.

Now although I had all of these fears and doubts running through my mind, I knew one thing without a doubt, and that was that I would do what was right and I would have this baby and become a mom.  I found a man who I loved and who had my back and I was ready to give up the life that I knew and trust that God had another plan for me.

Then right as I began to get excited about this baby and accept that this was going to be my new life... it was all suddenly ripped away from me!  I was hit by a truck in the driver's side door of my car, the day before my appointment to find out the gender of our sweet baby.  Peter was like my guardian angel that day. Being the "paranoid Pete" that he is, he stood on his back porch to see that I made it across The Parkway safely.  But when he heard the screeching tires and crashing cars, he raced to my side and called 911.

The med flight helicopter picked me up and flew me to the hospital and all I could remember was them saying that they couldn't find a heartbeat.  I was still in shock and wasn't fully comprehending what was going on, but I remember balling my eyes out when the news really sunk in. And to make matters worse, I had to stay in ICU for days until I could safely deliver my baby boy (yes, we found out that it was a boy the day that I was supposed to be having my ultrasound).  Four days after the accident, I had to undergo surgery and got a metal rod and 6 screws put in to hold my hip and pelvis together since it was crushed by the impact of the accident.  I was wheel-chair bound for months and had to move back home where my mom could take care of me.  Peter stayed by my side as well and we helped each other through the shock and grief of losing our first baby.

Now why would God put me through this??  Why would God take away my baby and not only put me through the physical pain and suffering, but the excruciating emotional pain that I had to experience on top of that?  Well for many years, I couldn't understand the point of any of this!  What was the point of getting pregnant so unexpectedly, then finally coming to terms and becoming happy about it, only to have it taken away from me?  It didn't make ANY sense, whatsoever.  God's plan was STUPID in my opinion and I think I was angry with Him for a while.  I doubted his plan for me.

Today, I have grown, I have coped, I have more faith and I know that if it weren't for this experience, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I may not have the 4 beautiful children that I have today. And I may not have grown into the strong, confident woman that I have become through this experience.  After my accident, I had people constantly feeling sorry for me and treating me like a victim and I couldn't stand that feeling!  But with the depression that I was going through, on top of the physical handicap that I was experiencing, it was hard for people not to feel sorry for me... and after a while, I just fell into that role and began to just feel sorry for myself.  I had no confidence left. I didn't know what I was supposed to do from there.

So, I know this is a long post, but I think I've come across this picture over the past few days for a reason.  This picture is a reminder of how God really does use difficult times in our lives to make us stronger.  I believe that God has been "nudging me" to share this post with some of you, so I hope that even if just one person can benefit from it, then it was worth me sharing.  If you're going through a tough time right now, you may not be "far enough out" yet to realize why you are going through such a painful experience and you may be blaming God or questioning his timing, but I promise you that He has a plan.  He always does.  You just have to have FAITH and know that in time, He will reveal the significance of today's struggles if you just trust Him and stay faithful.  I pray that through my experience, I can help someone through theirs.  The pain of losing someone will always be there, but finding peace and turning your trials into some sort of personal growth will turn that trial into a triumph. God Bless!

Rest in peace my little angel. In memory of B.L.W. 

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